In bloom: election signs of spring

Palm Coast Observer
Opinion

Election signs are sprouting all around us. It’s a beautiful sight.

So beautiful, in fact, that I’m considering posting a sign in my yard that says “Brian McMillan for Sheriff.” If I get traction, maybe I’ll run; if not, it won’t look half bad next to my wax myrtle.

According to Code Enforcement Manager Barbara Grossman, signs must be taken down 15 days after the election, but she said there is no limit to how early you can post signs.

So, after the election, if someone calls code enforcement to tattle on me for not taking it down, I have the foolproof response: “You don’t understand. I’m getting a head start on 2016.”

Yard signs are protected by freedom of speech, Grossman told me. One man had a sign in his yard for three years that said: “My wife cheated on me and no longer lives here.” It’s not a spiteful sign — it’s informative for his wife’s forgetful friends who might stop by to see her. And it also serves as an enormous personal ad for him: Single man, been that way a while, enjoys sign planting. (Don’t we all?)

Another man had a yard sign that said: “My house is for sale because of my idiot neighbor.” Sounds like he and his neighbor deserve each other. He must not realize that there are other, attractive options for signs out there, like “McMillan for U.S. Senate” or “McMillan for East Mosquito Control District, 2032.”

Channeling ‘The Berenstain Bears’
My 8-year-old son, Jackson, had a rite of passage this week: He got his own library card. As always, he headed right for the rack of books about the Berenstain Bears. He likes the lessons they teach, he said.

On the way home from the library, he said, “Mom, I think instead of playing video games for 20 minutes at a time, we should cut it back to 15 because there are more things we can be doing with our time than staring at a screen all day.”

Turns out he had been inspired by “The Berenstain Bears: Too Much TV.”

Seeing the cherubic expression on his face, I realized these bears could be channeled to great effect. If you have constructive criticism or something delicate to say, just buy the appropriate title and deliver it as a gift.

Your kids are complaining about being picked up late from school? Sorry to hear that. You might enjoy this book: “The Berenstain Bears Catch the Bus.”

Your neighbor won’t return your weed whacker? Don’t make a big scene, just casually walk by and stick this in his mailbox: “The Berenstain Bears and the Red-Handed Thief.”

I’m thinking of writing a few titles of my own, beginning with “The Berenstain Bears: I Don’t Feel Like Doing The Dishes Tonight … Do You Mind?” That one is best delivered as a set, along with the instant classic, “The Berenstain Bears: Have I Told You Yet Today That You Look Even More Beautiful Than The First Day I Met You?”

Have a better title? Email [email protected].